Beautiful Day

No real issues to post about today - it's just a beautiful day. I have two days off this week. It's great and very relaxing. It does give me time to reflect on the last few months though. . . .

I'm feeling rather disjointed. I feel as if I'm out of step with the people around me. Some new developments have occured in my social life - no, I'm not dating anyone. Recently, I've had some healing of a hurt between a friend and I. We've talked more and I feel we respect one another more than ever before. Cautionary respect on my part. Although, throughout the whole thing - I never stopped loving my friend. It was just a period of time that had to be endured.

As a result, I've had to step back from some things that - on reflection - were really NOT that attractive in me. Bitterness and harboring grudges - that's ugly. Guilty as charged. With the help of prayer and a very good friend . . . and realizing that we all NEED one another desperately in this life - I've worked through it. On his end, I have no idea what happened. So, I've stepped back from some activities that are not healthy.

I guess now I will be "in" again. I wish everyone knew that, while that is a great feeling, it isn't what I'm about. If I'm "out" again tomorrow - that's okay , too. I discovered during my rest period that I'm very happy to be what I am, where I am. But, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll be judged by my friends as 'selling out'. I'm afraid I'll be judged by his friends too.

I've done my level best to be, well, level with people. I've tried very hard to be helpful, considerate, understanding, non-judgmental, and supportive. All in vain. There are simply those who will not accept that. For them, I feel sorrow and I remember them in my prayers. The whole "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" is very, very scary. If you cannot do it - you probably shouldn't ask for it. So, I've been practicing that. And, I can honestly say, with God's help, I've arrived at that. However, it doesn't mean that we actually forget. I've tried and tried and tried - it's just out of my control what some people feel they have to do - carry a grudge until it breaks their back. The irony of it is - I have no idea. I'm honestly totally in the dark. No one has enlightened me as to why this person is that way. I seriously have absolutely no clue. . . . I just know I was cut off, period, dead. Oh well. Not something that is in my control. It is not my problem - I've worked through it - it remains, and at this point looks like it always will be, her problem. God help her.

In the end, one hopes that friends rejoice in healings. In reality, friends get jealous at times. Then they get passive-aggressive. They start excluding you because they 'thought you were with. . . ." If everyone can be honest - continue being who your are - and just accept that relationships ebb and flow, I think it will all be okay.

I ride this wave as I've ridden all the others. There are few people who would deny I've been through hell and back again in the last couple of years. If anyone doesn't realize that, and understand just how strong I really am and how much I've endured, then they reallyl do not know me at all. If they do not understand that my world was ripped apart and reformed - then they have no eyes with which to see. In the end, I'm stronger and happier and more confident because of it. And God gave me a measure of wisdom for which I prayed. I just had no idea how he would provide it. This time, it was very painful.

Ressurected Rambler