Glad I'm alive

First, my friends are wonderful. I think they are awesome. They go out of their way to do nice things for me and I appreciate it. Because, honestly, if it weren't for them, my birthday would be marked by a lack of anything. A check, a "Happy Birthday" and then business as usual. It's always been that way. The only people who have ever really "celebrated" are my friends. So. . .that brings me to my next blogging point - my 50th birthday in two years.

It appears I'm going to have to throw my own bash. Right now I'm tempted to rent out the Catherine Marie and invite everyone - get a caterer - a band - have a really big shindig. Sigh, if only I weren't a school teacher on a limited budget - but I have 2 years to accomplish this. Frank.ly, its the only way that my 1/2 century mark will be noticed.

I'm not feeling pitiful. It's just the way it is. Often,when people find out I'm an only child they assume I'm cossetted and loved beyond belief. I might have been - if my grandmother hadn't been a parnoid schizophrenic and my mother had actually learned how to love someone. Oh, don't get me wrong - she loves me - I'm positive she does and would be highly offended if I ever said anything. Since I hate confrontations of any kind - let's not go there. I wish I felt as if I could be myself around her. Well, I can't. And I "put on my big girl panties" years ago about that. As I said - it's just the way it is.

Which is why when I am not involved, or not asked to go places, or left out occasionally I get a bit blue and sad. The only place I really feel loved is with my friends. I never go places with my family - never on vacation - ever. If I'm going somewhere I have to go alone. and I do - that's a good thing. I go wherever I determine to go - alone if necessary - and sometimes alone by choice.

I wonder how I would have been different if my family weren't so dysfunctional. If I had not come home when Dad died. . if . . if . . .if. . .

Which brings me to my title : I'm glad I'm alive. I am glad that as a result of the missing I've been able to fill the lives of the living. I'm glad I've had the opportunity to meet people and try new things. I'm glad to be alive.

Rambling