Going Placidly

I've had an amazing year of change....
shall we begin with January?
January left me a little breathless. I had endured a Christmas that was an amazing whirlwind of performance. I have to say that the singing I did during that time was intense and constand. of course, I loved it.
So, in January I thought I could take a little break - a breather. School year at the Middle School began again and I settled in. Then, I received a little question: Would you consider moving up and heading a program at the Upper School next year? Wow. Now, understand, I have been loving and teaching 6th and 8th graders for 19 years. I am established "Senior Staff" - a comfortable place to be even with its implications. Talk about a sudden shift. So, I began to ponder. The answer will come later in this blog. . . .
Then in February - another complete surprise. "Hey, come over and have a drink with me." Really? I hadn't had a drink with this person in 3 years - since they effectively fired me from a job I had been performing for 20+ years (for free, I might add). We had a disagreement. Actually, looking back on it, I was in the throes of serious misunderstanding. A year of expensive therapy and I got through it. In the middle of it all, I continually exposed myself to the person 3 times a week - as I realize that it really is the only place in town to do what I love to do. Regardless, water under a bridge far away. . . "I would like you to be a leadership donor." Cannot say I wasn't a bit disappointed in the question. I thought maybe it would be something like, "Hey, I missed you." Well, I worked out a way. I'm a board member. I found a way. I would like to say that I totally understand the reason that person was tasked to ask me. Little did he know the changes I was deaing with on another level.
Then, in March, I make my call. . yep, I'll teach at the Upper School. At this point the US was in the midest of a turmoil of monumental proportions relating to a staff member who decided it was okay to sleep not only with a parent but with two other staff members (one of whom was married). In a private school scandal can spread like wildfire. I'm still dealing with the fall out of that from a student whom I teach. . . But, I took the job for two reasons. The first reason, I really want to retire some day and retiring from a HS or going part time, as I would really like to do, is easier than from a Middle School. The second reason was an opportunity to create a program that would be stellar. I've never backed down from a challenge. I took it, and this year has been one of the hardest years of work I've ever had. I don't talk about it very much as it doesn't mean that much to most people. I've had an amazing amount of bad behavior and inaction on the part of my predecessor to clean up. I've spent most of my year correcting her mistakes and omissions. I have only begun to do what I think needs to be done. I usually arrive at work at around 7:15 a.m. and leave at around 5:30 p.m. It's a long day. And then, I go to rehearsal. . . which brings me to another change.
In June - there were two changes. First, my best friend decided to not be the conductor of the Annapolis Youth Chorus. She had been in and out of the hospital with illnesses that I'm not sure are diagnosed as of yet. But, she needed to alleviate her stress. I supported her in that.
After a concert in late May, early June - or a rehearsal or something - my conductor once again wants to talk to me. Here's the long and short of it - he asked me to take back most of the aspects of the job that I had left. I had no idea that request was coming. There had been no inkling, no hint, nothing. I did not accept right away. I've learned - as in being asked to switch jobs, asked to come back - that making a decision right away is not good. I don't know how I felt about being asked to do the job again. I know that I had learned at that point to just sit back and let others do what they felt best. I'd listened to the chorus be yelled at, ignored, confused, etc. . .with the ability to help I had to let others do what they felt was best. It became easier and by year 2. . I was content to just be a singer. In fact, I rediscovered my voice - and fell in love with singing once again. So, here's the dilemma. . do I take the job and all it entails and still try to hold onto what is valuable about singing? I debated. The first thing that occurred to me was that my friends wouldn't understand. I took that into account more than I think they know. I had to be able to convey to them that sometimes you forgive people, not because it's for them, but because it's for you. The second thing that came to mind was: Can I keep myself emotionally safe and do this job again? The third thing that came to mind was - how to be a friend without giving away your autonomy. All of that went through my mind for about 3 days. I finally called the "man" and agreed to the position. I took it back because the overwhelming reason in my mind was that I could help my chorus. . . and that's the only reason. I don't need attention. I don't need accolades. I used to - but as I've grown wiser I realize that I need to do things because I want to do them not because of what I'll get from them.
So far, the job has been mostly underground. I do things people will never know - but that have improved their lives already. My relationships - the verdict is still out. I know I'm not trusted entirely by a certain group of people who sing with us. Somehow, they seem to think I'm not safe. I've done more good for them than they'll ever know and that's okay. I understand the person I work with - I'll never be "in" that crowd. But what I do, I do because it has to be done and because I do it well.
A pretty good change happened in October - I bought a new car. There wasn't any angst over this. It's the one bright, uplifiting, totally successful without stress thing I've done. I love it.
I'm ready for the changes to come next year. . . .

What I've learned from all of this is stated in the title of this blog: Go Placidly. I write that in my music. Often the things you stress about most are of little eternal value. Yes, we live in the world but we are not of the world. I am interested in being the person that I want to be - calm in the middle of distress, positive in the middle of negativism, and professional in the middle of unprofessionalism. And I hope that the changes I've made this year are benefitting others besides myself.

So, that's the summary. . .

Revolutionary Rambler