Ignorance is bliss?

Things have changed dramatically for me over the last two years. I've learned an enormous amount about human nature. I've learned that you can compromise your values in a heartbeat and justify any action - if you try hard enough. I've learned that "history" does not make friendship - love does. I've learned that you don't have to like everything to live with it. I've learned that it really doesn't matter how good you are at something - it matters what you look like and what you're willing to give (this particularly with performing)

Take that last statement. When I finally understood the revelation that I didn't have to DO anything to be confident in my talent, when I relaxed and actually did what I wanted to do instead of trying to do what others wanted me to do to please them - my blood pressure went down, my ability to see others increased, and my habit now of just being slightly amused all the time at the little dances that people do with relationships increased. The biggest help is the "slightly amused". It's great to be confident enough to know that, in the end, it will not matter what you did - it will matter only if you did it because it's what you wanted to do - not to gain approval from anyone. And that someone choosing me or not choosing me has nothing to do with my ability and everything to do with their need to fill a position. It's funny, you can say you understand that all you want, but it isn't reality until you can walk away from it without that little stab in your ego. I contend that it takes a painful revelation, particularly in the area of performing, to truly understand that people who ask you to do things are simply asking because they have a need to fill - not because there aren't 399 other people who could fill it just as well as you do.

It's funny, too, that I really have arrived at a place that I really do not let others' choices bug me. I have made the best decisions that I can for myself. This includes at work. I've started calling a spade a spade and stopped dancing around the issues. The good thing is - I've learned to tell people that their ideas aren't good without making them defensive about it. maybe its years of dealing with parents and having to tell them that their child is a screw up - without saying your child is a screwup. As I've become more comfortable with myself I've discovered that people respect me more and rely upon me more. As I've stopped chasing the "approval rating" and relaxed - I've discovered that I do not have to dwell in the infrequent unhappiness generated by perceptions. Process - compartmentalize - move on. Realize that, if I truly believe I'm the apple of the eye of God - I'll live as if I am. This includes coveting the praise of others. It's hard sometimes. However, there is a deep peace in NOT being the center of attention. There is an even deeper peace in NOT needing to be the center of attention.

Rambling as usual
P